God's not interested in me...

I saw this today and the first part, summed up exactly how I have felt (deep down, and secretly) for such a long time.   It reminds me that freedom is possible.

Yesterday (urgh)

So yesterday was a pretty rotten day. Ok, to be fair, the first part of the day was pretty good; Church was great (love that place) and if I'm honest, I was looking forward to getting home, opening some wine and cooking a nice meal.  Headed off to the supermarket after church and bought ingredients for Pad Thai.

I got home, unpacked food and then took part in my funny little relaxation ritual...opened wine, put on some chilled music and sat in my big, comfy swivel chair, just watching the world go by from the window.  Later, I cooked up the shrimp and peanut Pad Thai and polished it off with a not-so-homemade rice pudding.

And then about an hour later, it started.  I began to feel really ill...like scarily bloated and sick.  I didn't think I'd eaten that much, but perhaps the combo of foods had conspired to create this horrible, horrible feeling.  It was so uncomfortable and I was also wracked with this guilt at my First World indulgence.  One half of the world goes to bed hungry...and here was me, unwell from eating too much.  Something was very, very wrong with that picture, and so at around 8pm last night, my self-loathing truly knew no boundsand I headed to bed. 

Not surprisingly, couldn't really sleep, so suffered in agony for about 2 hours, till it passed.  I woke up this morning, feeling better but still annoyed at what I'd done.  It reminded me of a time in my life, about 10 years ago, when I used to purposefully overeat, in order to get that 'full' feeling.  I thought those days were long over, but last night it felt like they'd come back with a fury.

In the fevered wee hours, I decided (not for the first time....ha!) that I needed to get to the bottom of all this and that also, as a Christian, why was I saying one thing about my beliefs, but in private, this thing seemed to have such control in my life.  It just felt (and still does!) like a big disconnect and I want to be free.

This morning, I had a bit of a ropey day at work, felt light-headed and uncomfortable and it again reinforced the idea that the self abuse had to stop.  How?  Good question...but I'm going to return to what I know best; listening to my own bod.

I figure that my body tells me when I've had enough, I've just gotten very good at ignoring it. Plus, I use food and wine as an emotional crutch.  And that's just the beginning. 

However,  if I don't want to be sitting here in exactly the same place in 10 years time, then I gotta make changes.

So, here we go....