Today's food diary

I'm far from being 'cured' but today, I went to the supermarket and I gave myself the whole shop from which to buy dinner, not just the diet/low fat ready meals counter.  Typically, during the week, that's what I live on; low fat, tasteless lasagnes, low sugar drinks blah, blah, blah.   But tonight, I gave myself freedom to actually eat whatever I fancied...I was actually scared (would you believe it?).

I've lived for so long in this crazy world of restricted diet foods during the week, blowout-eat-whatever-you-want at weekends, that it's like I don't have a medium setting.  How on earth do you eat 'weekend foods' in moderation without screwing the whole thing up?!  But then learning how to eat so called 'bad' food in moderation is also hugely liberating! 

Here's what today looked like;

Breakfast: Big mug of coffee and a lovely well-thumbed Bible on knee, I also enjoyed a piece of toast with cheese and a huge juicy tomato. I made 2 pieces of toast but after finishing first, realised I didn't actually need the second.

11.30 Felt hungry, so had a bag of Snack-a-jacks and a cup of tea.

1.30pm: Genuine tummy rumbles by then, so had a Warburton's sandwich thin with some laughing cow cheese...and a small gingerbread biscuit.

Twigged later in the afternoon that so far, this wasn't the healthiest of food days, but I took a multi vit, had an Alpen bar, big pint of water and pondered what I'd eat for dinner.

Dinner (much better!). Had a risotto with a load of veg, bit of chicken and some prawns.  Even when I put it on my plate, it looked too much, but I ate slowly and savoured every yummy bite.  It was flipping gorgeous! And I couldn't actually finish it, so for once I didn't clear my plate, I'd had just enough and I hadn't eaten some vile processed meal.

Real food, combined with a cracking Biblical start to my day too.  My prayer all day has just been, 'help me to eat only when I'm hungry. Help me to eat the way you intended me to eat'.

I've now got to tackle the weekend, so this could be a huge challenge. I find that I'm constantly having to challenge my thinking about food, which is easier in the process of a working week, but less easy in an unstructured weekend.

It's been a difficult week emotionally, due to external factors, but I feel that God and I have taken the first few steps in dealing with this lifelong food issue.

Weigh-in tomorrow!

Change of thought...

OOohh, read this quote for the first time tonight and it really stuck with me;

"The thinking that got you into this mess isn’t the thinking you need to get out.” 

Which made me wonder what 'thinking' caused me to gain weight in the first place?  Thinking it through, realised I have a few reoccuring thoughts when it comes to food;

Had a crap day? You need some comfort food, not rabbit food.

Been good? Lost weight and stuck to your diet? Right, you deserve a treat...a night off, eat whatever you fancy.

And probably loads more too.  

And oh, the scales, forgot to mention how I've become a captive slave to those little metal things in my bathroom - standing on those in the morning ultimately determines what kind of day I'll have.  

Few pounds more than I thought, makes me a bad, undisciplined, stupid person.

Few pounds less and suddenly, all is well with the world, I'm in control, doing ok...maybe it's time for a 'reward.'?

Sheesh, no wonder why I'm tired so often, being fat is almost like a full time job,

But, what if the faulty thinking which got me here, is the same thinking which is keeping me here? What if it's got nothing to do with low fat foods or portion control or cutting out wheat, dairy and everything else?  What if the biggest battle is in my head?