Weigh in!

Weigh-in today & I'd lost 1.5lbs, taking me to 13:2.  That's a good result, considering it was a stressy week and I had a lot of chocolate and treats thrown at me!

I did what I did last week, just tried to follow the 'inner voice' and only eat when I was hungry. Not always easy, but that's  nearly 5lbs in 2 weeks, so I'm ok with that!  

Looking forward to week 3!

Avoiding the camera

For as long as I can remember, I've avoided the camera.  I tell people that I 'hate having my photo taken' but the truth is, I don't mind at all...but I do hate seeing myself in photos.  My obvious discomfort plays out in the picture too, so by trying to suck everything in or stand in a 'slimming pose' (like, what is THAT?!), I just end up looking silly.

But the end result is years of family pictures without me in them or loads of holiday snaps of wonderfully exotic locations...but I'm nowhere to be seen.  Kinda sad really and ALL because of a few extra stone in weight.

I had a friend once who was asked to record a video message for a wedding.  She too struggled with her weight and when she later caught sight of herself in the video, she had a mini meltdown - she was beside herself, because seeing those images made her feel ugly, stupid, worthless.  Which for any human being, is a pretty tough load to carry.  She made herself feel better by eating chocolate.  It worked....for a while.

The sad part is that when we're having that special meal or the extra helping, we forget all about that.  But then later, recrimination sets in.

Goodness, wouldn't it be fantastic to be FREE of all that junk? Free to see yourself on film, as the lovely person you are, free to be in family snaps...free to not feel worthless just because of some extra flab.

That is what I am working toward! When we conquer the mental battle, the physical stuff falls into place.

Saying no to 'comfort food'. Argghh!

Man, today was busy. I'm working on a huge project and today was non-stop running about. I was so looking forward to getting home and relaxing on the sofa.  For a nano second (ok, maybe more than that) I entertained the thought of cooking up a big bowl of spag Bol with a load of cheese and garlic bread.   The thought stuck with me, accompanied by 'Fat Girl's' little mantra, 'you deserve it, you need to relax tonight'.

Yeah, not so fast FG! 

I decided in that moment (quicker than I thought) that nope, I'm much rather eat decently, healthily and not shovel a comfort-fest into ye olde gob.  So I came home and I did the right thing and I'm

glad that I did.

I think this has to be a moment by moment thing. Planning a whole day is too hard...but I can just about make it to the next moment.

Which in reflection is pretty much how Jesus taught us to live anyway. 

Welcome to week 2! We can do it!

I think I've got this inner fat girl living in my head - she's the one who nudges me to eat in unhelpful ways, and then when I do, she yells at me and tells me I'm stupid and ugly and that I'll never lose weight.   Yeah, well, she is not a permanent resident!

My weekend was ok food-wise but could have been much better. I think, with the darker nights, there's less motivation to go out and walk too.   I had a lot on but was aware that driving home last night, I 'wanted something nibbly'.   Inner fat girl lets me think that Saturdays/Sundays are for 'treats'.   Anyway, decided to not give in and I didn't stop at the garage and buy junk (when inner fat girl says, 'you can start eating well again tomorrow...' she's lying!).

I had a bit of supper and went to bed and read a book.  I wasn't hungry at all...but I was hungry to eat rubbish.  Big difference!

So much of this journey is about learning to root out destructive thoughts before they've turned into actions.  The turnaround time at present, between thinking and heading to the fridge, is very short, but that will get longer and longer, as I learn to recognise what's real hunger and what's just plain old bad habits!

And so, week 2 begins.

Last week, I lost 2.5lbs, taking me down to 13.3 (1/2).  This week, I'd love to lose another 2lbs as well.  I realise this is about re-education not losing weight, as such...but being fitter, healthier and more in control of the junk I put in my gob, will lead to that too!

If you're on your own journey this week too, let me know and we can encourage each other. 

Eating honourably...

Today's super challenge was to get back on track and eat only when I was hungry. Mission accomplished!  

Also had a fantastic and inspiring day at church.  There is simply nothing we can go through, that Christ can't be at the centre of and help us with.  

And so a busy week beckons, but the fight goes on. My focus is not on losing weight, but just simply on eating well, in a way that honours God.

Have a great week everyone! 

Flunked the test...

First weekend eating this way and I didn't do that well.  I think it's just way easier when I'm in the weekly routine of work, but much harder when my day is less structured.   I seemed to sort of graze today, rather than eat proper meals.

Breakfast: 1.5 slices of tiger bread with butter and low fat soft cheese

Lunch: 2 x bowls homemade oyster mushroom soup. 2 bread rolls.

Dinner: (was still full from lunch): Doritos, sour cream.  

Supper:  1 x Food Doctor seeded pitta with slice of cheese & tomato.  3 squares of chocolate.

And oh, I made cupcakes and while I avoided eating one, I did have about 1 tablespoon of icing from the bowl.

So, all in all, a pretty poor carb-driven, un-nutritious day. And because there was so little real good content in it, I felt hungrier.  I'm in bed now & feel so hungry...even though I know I'm not.

And big mistake, I didn't once pray & ask God to help me.

Still, tomorrow is a brand new day. 

Weigh in (Oct 31)

13.3 (and 1/2 lb)

That's a loss of 2.5lbs this week, without 'dieting'.  Long way to go, but I'm happy with that.  

Today's food diary

I'm far from being 'cured' but today, I went to the supermarket and I gave myself the whole shop from which to buy dinner, not just the diet/low fat ready meals counter.  Typically, during the week, that's what I live on; low fat, tasteless lasagnes, low sugar drinks blah, blah, blah.   But tonight, I gave myself freedom to actually eat whatever I fancied...I was actually scared (would you believe it?).

I've lived for so long in this crazy world of restricted diet foods during the week, blowout-eat-whatever-you-want at weekends, that it's like I don't have a medium setting.  How on earth do you eat 'weekend foods' in moderation without screwing the whole thing up?!  But then learning how to eat so called 'bad' food in moderation is also hugely liberating! 

Here's what today looked like;

Breakfast: Big mug of coffee and a lovely well-thumbed Bible on knee, I also enjoyed a piece of toast with cheese and a huge juicy tomato. I made 2 pieces of toast but after finishing first, realised I didn't actually need the second.

11.30 Felt hungry, so had a bag of Snack-a-jacks and a cup of tea.

1.30pm: Genuine tummy rumbles by then, so had a Warburton's sandwich thin with some laughing cow cheese...and a small gingerbread biscuit.

Twigged later in the afternoon that so far, this wasn't the healthiest of food days, but I took a multi vit, had an Alpen bar, big pint of water and pondered what I'd eat for dinner.

Dinner (much better!). Had a risotto with a load of veg, bit of chicken and some prawns.  Even when I put it on my plate, it looked too much, but I ate slowly and savoured every yummy bite.  It was flipping gorgeous! And I couldn't actually finish it, so for once I didn't clear my plate, I'd had just enough and I hadn't eaten some vile processed meal.

Real food, combined with a cracking Biblical start to my day too.  My prayer all day has just been, 'help me to eat only when I'm hungry. Help me to eat the way you intended me to eat'.

I've now got to tackle the weekend, so this could be a huge challenge. I find that I'm constantly having to challenge my thinking about food, which is easier in the process of a working week, but less easy in an unstructured weekend.

It's been a difficult week emotionally, due to external factors, but I feel that God and I have taken the first few steps in dealing with this lifelong food issue.

Weigh-in tomorrow!

When the pressure is on...

Yesterday was very, very pressured.  I had 4 major things vying for my attention including a family friend seriously ill, after collapsing with a heart attack and waiting (anxiously) for the medical test results of another.

Later, some friends asked me for dinner and I felt this immediate 'oh no, how will I eat...?' And then soon banished that thought.  My former way of eating was to use going out as an excuse to 'stop the diet'.  But this way of eating means I can do and have what I like, I just stop when my body has been happily fed.   

I had a lovely dinner and in the end, got so busy chatting that I didn't even think about the food. I ate it, enjoyed it, but I didn't overeat it.  The company was balm to the soul, on what had been a shocker of a day.

It again highlights how deeply ingrained some of these thought processes have become.  I'm ashamed to admit that food has, for years, dominated my thoughts.  I've tied myself up in knots over 'good days' and 'bad days' and have (and still do) believe that when I eat too much or weigh more than I'd like to, that I am a bad, rotten, disgusting person.

It strays so far from God's version of me, that when I look at it baldly, I'm astounded. 

You'd never talk to your friends, the way you sometimes talk to yourself.

I read that somewhere recently and realised how deeply unkind I am to myself.  I don't know how to stop that, but I am becoming aware of it, and that's a good start. 

Why don't you switch the light on, girl?

Just read this.  I want to walk in the light, not stumble around like a plonker, in the dark.

If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we’re obviously lying through our teeth—we’re not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God’s Son, purges all our sin. (1 John 1:6-7 MSG)

Here's how it works...

I'm not a scientist or a nutritionist (the world of science thanks me for that) but I figure one of our biggest food issues, is not what we eat, but how much we eat.   Food today is probably packed out with loads of addictive rubbish, but it is still possible to have 'a little of what you fancy'.  It's a question of how much.

For me, I have good days and bad days.  A good day means sticking (to the letter) to a set amount of calories. So come supper time, even if I wasn't hungry, I'd be fishing about for stuff to nibble on, so I could polish off my 'calorie allowance' for the day.

A bad day on the other hand, meant letting it all hang on, usually eating very little by day and then having a bottle of Prosecco for dinner with a nice carb-heavy meal...think Pasta, cream, cheese or fajitas.  Oh how I looooovveee fajitas.   The result of that though is a heavy 'food hangover' the next day - feeling disgusting, bloated and guilty.  

I would wake up in the morning, feeling lethargic and unhappy with myself. The 'action' of those feelings is to then wear black and to 'hide' my body.

Much of this stream of thought is unconscious - but people always comment when I've lost weight, more so because they notice I'm wearing brighter clothes.

So this experiment is to become more aware of what I'm shovelling in my mouth and more aware of my thought processes.  

After yesterday's sort of blue day, an arrow shot through my head, 'go home, eat, relax'.  But how would that make stuff any better?  Having a plate of creamy carbs isn't going to fix the problems I'm facing...though it'd probably provide a temporary escape.  

Funny how my brain has become wired in this way.   This is what I'm trying to smash.  It's a starve-binge cycle that's messed up and which fixes nada.

Day 3 begins...

Overwhelmed...

Funny how, when you ask God to deal with an area of your life, He always seems to start doing other stuff too.  Driving home tonight and the word 'overwhelmed' was in my head -that's genuinely how I felt.  

I have so much stuff on my plate at the moment (ha...good pun, considering!), that I felt like I was about to be hit by a tsunami. Now did not feel like a good time to start tackling eating issues. But then again, there never is a good time.  There's always an excuse, always a reason not to.   So, I stuck with it, had a reasonably nice dinner, ate thoughtfully and slowly and stopped when I'd had enough.

Later, I went to my cell group and we got talking about what to do when we're overwhelmed.  I hadn't told a soul about how I was feeling but that exact word kept cropping up, 'overwhelmed'.  We sang the Bethel song too;

God, I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like you do.

And so day 2 of thoughtful, conscious eating comes to an end.  I passed my first emotional eating test and learned just a smidge more about what I should be doing, when I feel like life's waters are threatening to drown me. 

God's not interested in me...

I saw this today and the first part, summed up exactly how I have felt (deep down, and secretly) for such a long time.   It reminds me that freedom is possible.

Weighing in

I weighed in yesterday (after Sunday's awfulness) at 13:6 stone.  All day yesterday, I felt yuck and annoyed at myself, but started to realise that self-flagellation doesn't fix a thing.  In the end, the only thing that matters, that really matters to God, is getting up again and starting over, each time I fail.

So yesterday's eating was all about a new approach; thoughtful eating. 

I eat too often without thinking, eat in front of the tv, eat on the move and rarely do I stop to savour and enjoy.  And oh, I never, ever say grace either.  Sounds like a small, religious sort of thing to do...but what if 'grace' was just that, a prayer before meals to have the grace to eat well and not over-indulge?   

Anyway, feel somewhat better today, and this morning, had shifted 2lbs of yesterday's horror weight, bringing me in at 13:4.

Read my Bible this morning and Proverbs 14:29 (AMP version) jumped out at me;

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is hasty of spirit exposes and exalts his folly. [Prov. 16:32; James 1:19.] (Proverbs 14:29 AMP)

Hasty of spirit.  This is the part I am thinking about, in conjunction with eating. When eating is a hasty affair, with little thought to the size, content or value of what I'm about to shovel in, it becomes a problem.   Hasty of spirit...I like that thought and am going to tuck it away, for a later point in the journey.

P.s have put the scales away now till Friday. No more obsessive weigh ins.  Can I wait that long???

Change of thought...

OOohh, read this quote for the first time tonight and it really stuck with me;

"The thinking that got you into this mess isn’t the thinking you need to get out.” 

Which made me wonder what 'thinking' caused me to gain weight in the first place?  Thinking it through, realised I have a few reoccuring thoughts when it comes to food;

Had a crap day? You need some comfort food, not rabbit food.

Been good? Lost weight and stuck to your diet? Right, you deserve a treat...a night off, eat whatever you fancy.

And probably loads more too.  

And oh, the scales, forgot to mention how I've become a captive slave to those little metal things in my bathroom - standing on those in the morning ultimately determines what kind of day I'll have.  

Few pounds more than I thought, makes me a bad, undisciplined, stupid person.

Few pounds less and suddenly, all is well with the world, I'm in control, doing ok...maybe it's time for a 'reward.'?

Sheesh, no wonder why I'm tired so often, being fat is almost like a full time job,

But, what if the faulty thinking which got me here, is the same thinking which is keeping me here? What if it's got nothing to do with low fat foods or portion control or cutting out wheat, dairy and everything else?  What if the biggest battle is in my head?

Yesterday (urgh)

So yesterday was a pretty rotten day. Ok, to be fair, the first part of the day was pretty good; Church was great (love that place) and if I'm honest, I was looking forward to getting home, opening some wine and cooking a nice meal.  Headed off to the supermarket after church and bought ingredients for Pad Thai.

I got home, unpacked food and then took part in my funny little relaxation ritual...opened wine, put on some chilled music and sat in my big, comfy swivel chair, just watching the world go by from the window.  Later, I cooked up the shrimp and peanut Pad Thai and polished it off with a not-so-homemade rice pudding.

And then about an hour later, it started.  I began to feel really ill...like scarily bloated and sick.  I didn't think I'd eaten that much, but perhaps the combo of foods had conspired to create this horrible, horrible feeling.  It was so uncomfortable and I was also wracked with this guilt at my First World indulgence.  One half of the world goes to bed hungry...and here was me, unwell from eating too much.  Something was very, very wrong with that picture, and so at around 8pm last night, my self-loathing truly knew no boundsand I headed to bed. 

Not surprisingly, couldn't really sleep, so suffered in agony for about 2 hours, till it passed.  I woke up this morning, feeling better but still annoyed at what I'd done.  It reminded me of a time in my life, about 10 years ago, when I used to purposefully overeat, in order to get that 'full' feeling.  I thought those days were long over, but last night it felt like they'd come back with a fury.

In the fevered wee hours, I decided (not for the first time....ha!) that I needed to get to the bottom of all this and that also, as a Christian, why was I saying one thing about my beliefs, but in private, this thing seemed to have such control in my life.  It just felt (and still does!) like a big disconnect and I want to be free.

This morning, I had a bit of a ropey day at work, felt light-headed and uncomfortable and it again reinforced the idea that the self abuse had to stop.  How?  Good question...but I'm going to return to what I know best; listening to my own bod.

I figure that my body tells me when I've had enough, I've just gotten very good at ignoring it. Plus, I use food and wine as an emotional crutch.  And that's just the beginning. 

However,  if I don't want to be sitting here in exactly the same place in 10 years time, then I gotta make changes.

So, here we go....

Beginning again (again).

For as long as I can remember, weight has been this beast which has controlled my life.  

I remember, aged 11, being morbidly obsessed with the idea I was fat. At the time, I was a totally normal weight, but somehow got it into my head that I was a lumbering oaf, way, way fatter than all the other girls at school.  And even then, I used to like to dress in order to hide, tucked under long jumpers and coats and black...lots of lovely, slimming black.

Later on, it turns out I did have some pretty impressive weight-gathering genes, lurking beneath the surface, so I've been pretty fat (17 stone) and close to being thin (10 stone). And today, after years of trying to slay the fat dragon, am now somewhere in the middle at a less-than-pleasing 13.5 stone.

Name the diet and I've done it, and for a while at least, succeeded. Slimming World, Atkins, Cambridge, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers....gah, I must have spent thousands, but I guess none of it really tackled why I overeat in the first place.  

So here I am, approaching the end of my 30s, trying to make sense of a lifelong pattern and deal with it once and for all.  I'm just tired of the merry-go-round of diet/fall-off-wagon/diet/fall-off-wagon.   Am also tired of missing out on things and opportunities because I'm having a 'fat day'.  It's holding me back, when everything in my life is moving forward.

Is it fixable?  Who knows?!

But I figure if I make this public, then I'm (vaguely) doing something different t (only a fool does the same thing over and over, each time expecting a different result) and also, making myself accountable.  And maybe it'll help others too? 

And so I begin again...again.